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Interpret This

August 4, 2010

I know we all have bizarre dreams from time to time, but sometimes I have to really wonder about myself.  Like the one that I’m about to share with you right now, for example.  I had it a few nights ago and I keep coming back to it.  Because I just keep thinking, “What the heck?”


It was a hot summer, much like it is now.  I had a new roommate, much like I do now.  My house was newer and bigger and had a bigger yard, but beyond that things were very much the same as they are in real life.

I started noticing something whenever I was downstairs.  It was a person, dressed head-to-toe in electric blue spandex – and when I say head-to-toe, I mean I couldn’t see this person’s face, hair, neck – anything.  The first time I saw this spandex person, he or she was on my couch doing some strange body contortions.  I passed it off as my imagination.

The next time I saw Blue Spandex, I was standing at the top of my stairs.  Blue Spandex was at the bottom of the stairs performing a hip-hop dance routine with no music.  I assumed this person was just trying to get my attention but I wasn’t having it.  I was still utterly convinced I was seeing things.

One day, my mom was over at my house.  Blue Spandex was sound asleep on my kitchen floor.  My mom asked me, “Who is that?”  I replied, “You can see it?”  I was perplexed.  I was so sure Blue Spandex was just a figment of my imagination.  So I walked over, and pulled the top of the spandex suit down so that I could this person’s face.

It was Tay Zonday, of “Chocolate Rain” fame.  I asked him why he’d been lurking around my house in a blue spandex suit.  He told me that it was because he wanted to be my roommate.  I told him that was too bad because I already have a roommate.  He told me a mutual friend gave him the key to my house so that he could hide out and see if he liked the place.  He hadn’t realized I’d seen him in the blue spandex.  I explained to him that that trick only works on TV with a Green Screen and besides, it’s green, not blue.  He apologized but went on to say that he really did like the house and was interested in renting.  I reminded him about my roommate.

So he began to bargain with me.  “I’ll need to take your room,” he said.  “I need space for my recording gear and your room is bigger.  Also, I’m not paying for cable TV or the internet.  Sorry.”  All I could think of was that this guy drives a really hard bargain.  But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  He’d gone to great lengths to become my roommate.  I couldn’t ignore that.  Plus, I realized it’d sure be nice to have a guy around to fix things when they break.

And that was how Tay Zonday became my roommate.

The End.


Roller Coaster

June 19, 2010

I have never, not ever, been fired from a job.  Until this week.  Sure, I was asked to come back the very next day but that did not make the pain and the humiliation any less potent.  The most horrifying thing about it was that I’d left a somewhat secure job at a department store, where I was unspeakably miserable, to take this job from which I was fired and then hired back.

The 24-hour period between getting fired and then re-hired gave me a lot to think about.  Why had I done this to myself?  Not just, why did I leave Dillard’s?  But why did I leave Provident?  My whole plan for my life began to unravel it seemed because I’d made a series of choices that led me to this moment: unemployed and broke with a mortgage and a car payment coming up.

I’ve never thought of myself as a big risk taker.  Or even a small risk taker.  I get advice and think about *most* things very thoroughly before I do them.  But here I’d felt like I’d failed myself.  I was so blinded by my desire to leave the department store, that I did not think about what I was getting myself into.

But then I realized something… my bills were getting paid.  AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW.  I haven’t felt hungry, not once in all of this.  I’ve been taken care of.  I am being taken care of.  And that’s all that really matters right?

The crisis is over.  I have my job back… and a few others to boot now.  School starts back in three weeks and I’ll be back on track towards my new career.  This week has put it all into perspective.  There’s a REASON why I’ve done this to myself.  I’m not a glutton for torture.  I have a goal… and it will be met.  Sure, I sorely underestimated the stress involved in changing careers.  And I’d advise anyone, friend or foe, to think long and hard before they made a decision to do what I’m doing.  But in the end… I know it will all be worth it.  Because, well… it has to be.

Be Careful What You Wish For

June 8, 2010

Just a few short weeks ago, I was praying for more free time.  My schedule at Dillard’s had become a time-vacuum, sucking up the most precious hours of my days.  Whenever I wasn’t at work, I was recovering from being at work.  It was like I had no time for myself or anyone else.

Now things have changed.  I have a new less time-consuming job (major understatement)- one that was supposed to give me sufficient income, but I’ve yet to see that unfold thanks to a somewhat shady former general manager who gave me this job in the first place.  I’ve mostly just been sitting on my rear end, watching TV, soaking up the summer sun, reading or playing video games.  I FEEL like I’m on summer vacation, but it also feels a bit wrong… because I’m not a kid anymore and I’m not a teacher (yet).

So now I have lots of time but no money to do some of the things I wanted to do when I was still at Dillard’s: go to movies, have lunch with friends, etc.  I’m longing to get to that place where I have both a sufficient amount of free time and enough financial freedom to do just a few of the things I love to do.  I feel like I have NEVER been there before in my entire life.  I don’t know how some people manage it, but I know that people do.  I’m just not there yet.  And as frustrating as that feels, there’s nothing I can do about it except for what I’m already doing.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually can’t wait to be back in school – at least then I will feel like I’m getting somewhere.  A few steps closer to my teaching license.  A few steps closer to hopefully a new, steady career that I love and am good at.  But I guess the lesson I’m learning is that I need to just be content where I am right now and be careful about wishing for one unattainable thing after another.  *Sigh*

The Public Restroom Conundrum

May 27, 2010

There is a wrong way and a right way to use a public restroom… at least in my world.  The right way involves careful planning and manuevering around invisible germs, both on surfaces and in the air.

When choosing a stall, walk carefully past each stall glancing in briefly.  Any sign of recent usage, toilet paper on the ground, or worse, anything that failed to get flushed either by sheer negligence or toilet malfunction all constitute immediate dismissal.  That’s pretty common for most people.

Never EVER ever ever sit down on a public toilet – I don’t care how many sheets of toilet tissue lie between you and the seat.  It’s a no-go.  A no-siree.  Unacceptable.  Don’t put your handbag on the floor.  If the door looks sketchy, don’t hang it on the door.  Keep it slung over your shoulder – it’s safer and cleaner there.

And now, this is the really important part:  the step-by-step process of washing your hands in a public restroom.  Start by rolling out a small piece of paper towel, but don’t tear it off yet.  If someone comes along and tears it off before you get to it, give them a hurt look and roll a bit more out (make sure they see you do this).  Turn on the faucet – hot water side only – but don’t turn it on too high or else water will splash back up from the dirty sink, undoing all your scrubbing.  Soap twice and scrub carefully.  BEFORE you turn the faucet off, yank the bit of paper towel off and use it to turn the faucet off and then also use it to roll out enough paper towel to dry your hands.  Keep that paper towel with you, because that’s how you’re going to get back out of the bathroom unscathed.  If there is not a trash can near the door, do your best to throw the paper towel in from where your standing, at the exit, using your foot to prop the door open.

And then finally, once your clear of the bathroom – having possibly held your breathe most of the time, which is ideal – be sure to slather on a few layers of Purell.

And THAT my friends, is how it’s done.

Confessions of a Germaphobe (and other things…)

May 24, 2010

I’ve thought of a new direction for this blog since it currently doesn’t really have a direction.  It’s a common joke among people who know me well, that I’m a hopeless germaphobic.  What does that mean?  A number of things.

When I was five, my family was on a road trip.  I had to pee really bad.  My mom stopped at a gas station to take me to the bathroom.  This was back in the day before gas stations had indoor bathrooms.  It was the kind where you had to get a key and go outside around the building.  At five years old, I took one look at that bathroom and said, “I’m not going in there.”  My mom explained to me that the next bathroom wasn’t going to be for a long time, to which I insisted that I would just hold it.  And hold it I did.  I held it all the way to the next McDonald’s or Burger King (I don’t really remember.)  Thus began a lifetime of fearing public restrooms, water fountains, gym equipment, body heat left over on movie theater chairs from the last person who sat there, sneezes from other people who are standing nearby and many, many other things.

The truth is, the germaphobia is actually just a manifestation of GAD and Panic Disorder, which I was diagnosed with at the age of 20.  And germaphobia is not the only manifestation.  What does a person do with GAD and panic disorder?  Well, first of all, you try to have a sense of humor about it because – almost always – in hindsight, these boughts of panic, fear, germaphobia or anxiety ARE pretty funny.  And THAT is what I hope to share with you in blogs to come.


April 3, 2010

This isn’t so much a blog as it is a catalogue.  I was thinking the other day that I’ve worked an awful lot of jobs in my life.  So I started trying to remember all of them.  And here they are:

Ice cream shop

Office assistant

Book store

Grocery store (for two weeks)

Clothing store

Church thrift shop


Payroll person

Record company

Another clothing store


Another clothing store

Coffee shop


Coffee shop again

Another clothing store

and now… Department store.

Soon, I’ll be a teacher.  That’s a lot.

Right at this moment…

March 30, 2010

I’m sitting at Border’s.  I came here to work on my research paper for English before work, but now my stomach is hurting and I can’t focus on my paper and I’m also debating whether I want to call in at work right now.  I’ve worked there for almost two months and I haven’t called in once.  But I am also scheduled to work tomorrow, so how will that look if I call in tonight with a bad stomach-ache and come in tomorrow feeling okay?

Or what if I don’t feel okay tomorrow. Or what if I go into work and throw up at Dillards?  Public vomiting is in the Top 10 of my worst fears.  I don’t know what to do!  It’s times like these I wish I had someone to make these decisions for me.

Anyways (I know that isn’t proper English, but I like to say it because I had a friend who used to always says “anyways” and I thought it was cute… and yes, that friend was a guy.) , earlier today I was in a really fantastic mood and the weather had me all pumped up for springtime and school almost being out.  So my current condition of stomach-achedness is unfortunate and frankly, makes me want to just go home and watch LOST in real time for the first time in weeks.

I’m going to go figure out what to do.

p.s. Another random little thought… I wonder if I would even blog if I had a boyfriend.  Or would I just call him up and vent all the things that I say on here instead?  Ooh, I think my stomach feels better…